I want to talk about postpartum

and a recipe for lasagna

Postpartum is the period in a mom’s life after the birth of her child, often referred to as the fourth trimester. The postpartum period is the immediate six to eight weeks after childbirth but it is widely acknowledged that the woman’s body often takes much longer than that to return to it’s pre-pregnancy state (hormonally, physically, emotionally, spiritually). It goes without saying that it’s a lot and it’s intense but I don’t think you really know what it’s like until you go through it yourself. I had heard about this, I remember my friends having kids and talking about it or when my sister-in-law had a baby and my mom told me to be patient with her because she was postpartum. I appreciated that perspective but I wouldn’t quite understand why until I went through it myself.

Now there is a lot of talk about postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety and I’m glad there is. I’m happy that light is being shed on these very serious issues and that women are being encouraged to talk about it and seek help. Those things are absolutely real and valid and not to be scoffed or taken lightly but today I’m just going to ramble about my experience postpartum.

I don’t feel like the same person any more but I am the same person, I’m a shell of myself filled back up with me as a mom and the overwhelming love for a baby. I still see me in the mirror and I also see a few grey hairs that have popped up and the skin on my face that is so often grabbed and squeezed by little pudgy hands and somehow always sticky fingers.

I want to read a book—I love getting lost in books—but I’m so tired by the time I get Giovanni to sleep that I take advantage of sleep because before I know it little noises wake me up beckoning to be fed. I think I want to go out with a girlfriend and get lost in conversation and drinks but I really want to be at home with Giovanni and if I did manage to go out with a friend I would probably talk about him—or my postpartum self—the whole time.

I find myself longing for things I used to love but when pushed or encouraged to seek them out I can’t bring myself to. Going out without him feels like I’m missing something. Not that naked feeling of “oh, I forgot to wear my watch,” it’s deeper like if you could go out without your heart. And when I do the things I used to love with him it’s an entirely different experience—in the most beautiful, amazing way.

I think about the same things I used to think about before—sort of—but it’s all under the umbrella of how does Giovanni fit into this. Sometimes I get upset with myself for needing a break during the day when I have a headache and I can’t figure out what he needs but he just wants to be held and cry at the same time and nuzzle his head into my shoulder. But then I find myself missing him at night when he’s sleeping in the other room and I know I need to sleep too but instead of sleep I look at photos of him on my phone or think of what I’m going to do with him tomorrow.

I know this is a phase, a season, but I will never be the same. Even when I’m out of this season I think I will always have parts of it in me. I also know that he won’t always want to be held and need to cry and nuzzle into my shoulder at the same time. That he’ll want a break from me, that he will embrace the natural next phases of life, school and friends, becoming more independent, exploring life on his own. And how beautiful for him. I’m so excited to see what he will discover.

But for now I am sitting with my old self in the shell of my new self, utterly overwhelmed with emotion and love. Maybe I am so contemplative because Giovanni is rapidly changing, exploring more, and learning more. And he’s approaching his first birthday so maybe all the thoughts about the past year are settling into the cracks of my soul and making me emotional. It doesn’t matter what it is, the fact is it is and I am here for it. I am here to hold Giovanni and miss him when he sleeps and feel all the feels. Happy Friday, beautiful souls, I hope you allow yourself to feel all the feels, too, whether you’re going through postpartum or are through it or never have and never will.

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Lasagna

This recipe is adapted from the Barefoot Contessa’s lasagna. It is excellent.

• 2 tablespoons olive oil

• 1 cup chopped yellow onion

• 2 garlic cloves, minced

• 1 ¹⁄₂ lbs hot Italian sausage, casings removed

• 1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes in puree

• 1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste

• ¹⁄₄ cup chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley, divided

• ¹⁄₂ cup chopped fresh basil leaf

• 2 teaspoons coarse salt

• ³⁄₄ teaspoon fresh ground black pepper

• ¹⁄₂ lb lasagna noodle

• 15 ounces ricotta cheese

• 3-4 ounces creamy goat cheese, crumbled

• 1 cup grated parmesan cheese, plus 1/4 cup for sprinkling

• 1 egg, lightly beaten

• 1 lb fresh mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced

Heat the olive oil in a large skillet. Add the onion and cook for five minutes over medium-low heat, until translucent. Add the garlic and cook for one more minute. Add the sausage and cook over medium-low heat, breaking it up with a wooden spoon, for about eight to ten minutes, or until no longer pink. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, two tablespoons of the parsley, the basil, one and a half teaspoons of the salt, and half a teaspoon pepper. Simmer, uncovered, over medium-low heat, for 25-30 minutes, until thickened and tomatoes have reached desired taste. Make sure to taste it here. I often under salt my food.

Meanwhile, fill a large bowl with the hot water. Add the noodles and allow them to sit in the water for 20 minutes. Drain and set aside

In a medium bowl, combine the ricotta, goat cheese, one cup of Parmesan, the egg, the remaining two tablespoons of parsley, remaining half teaspoon salt, and quarter teaspoon pepper. Mix well and set aside.

Ladle a third of the sauce into a 9x12x2-inch rectangular baking dish, spreading the sauce over the bottom of the dish. Then add the layers as follows: half the pasta, half the mozzarella, half the ricotta, and one third of the sauce. Add the rest of the pasta, mozzarella, ricotta, and finally, sauce. Sprinkle with a quarter cup of Parmesan.

Bake for 30 minutes, covered with foil for the first 25, until the sauce is bubbling.

Enjoy with a nice glass of red wine.

Photo by Kristine Tumanyan on Unsplash